Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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