walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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