Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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