There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize