Your mouth is God's brothel.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
