You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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