You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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