First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
