After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
