Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
