I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
