I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
