I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
