I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
