Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
