How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
