Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
