We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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