Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
