GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
