Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
