He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I enjoy the company of your penis
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