if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
