I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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