there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
