Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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