IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
