I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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