i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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