I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
