i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
