Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
