I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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