boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
