I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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