Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
