I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
