I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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