did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
