They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
