i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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