I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
