Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
