Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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