this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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