My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize