why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
