Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
