After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
