farters have to be the big spoon...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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