Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
