I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
