They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
