kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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