btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
