This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
