Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
