I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
